In looking back at my last few posts before I begin writing this one, I see that I tend to write for one of two reasons: 1) I am feeling restless and want to make a change or 2) I'm desperately unhappy about something.
I'd like to change that. Which, even as I'm typing it makes me realize that it applies #1 above. Haha. But that's ok, because this is too important to not share for a silly reason like that.
I had a realization yesterday that I have been putting myself in harms way simply because I am stressed. My migraines have returned worse than ever, my blood pressure is continuing to rise along with my weight, and I'm just generally "getting through." During a conversation last night with a friend, I said, "Well, hopefully when that happens, I won't work so much and I'll be a lot less stressed." Then I realized, I've been saying that for as long as I can remember about pretty much everything in my life. I'm never satisfied and never dealing with the right now, I'm always looking to what's ahead to make me happy, make me not so stressed, make me feel like I'm not missing out.
But as I was walking taking Daisy for a walk this morning, I realized that I am missing out on so much right now because I'm not focused here, I'm focused on the future. It made me think, ok, so I want to get married and have kids. Do I think that then I'll be happy? Are the going to be the source of my happiness? That's a lot of pressure. And what happens when they aren't perfect, as this is pretty much a proven inevitability since no one is? Then will I look forward to when they are grown and out of the house. How sad, that I've been wishing my life away.
Because the truth is that I have been doing this for years. I can consume myself with what if's (the past), and when will's (the future). What if I had said this, what if I had done that, what if this had been different? It's over analyzing the past, something that can't be changed. It's done & I need to learn from it and move on, not keep playing it in my mind over and over. And then there's the when will's. When will I meet the right guy, when will I get married, when will I have a family, when will I move closer to my family? It's natural and ok to have those questions, but it's not natural to fixate on them and not build a life with what God has given you right now. Frankly, it's selfish. It's saying to God that what you blessed me with right now is not good enough. I've never looked at it that way, but it really is. Let's say it's your birthday and someone hands you a gift. You open it and it's a beautiful necklace. Rather than putting it on and seeing how beautiful it looks and thanking the person, you look at them and say, "Thanks. This is ok, but I really wanted diamond earrings. So I'm just gonna keep this in the box and never wear it until you get me those earrings." What a slap in the face that would be. Not only are being ungrateful and ridiculously demanding, you are going to miss out on enjoying the beauty of what you have been given because it's not exactly what you wanted.
WOW!!! That is quite a revelation. If it's not to anyone else, it sure is to me. I just realized what an ungrateful brat I've been. It's crazy what God can reveal if you truly ask him. All of that from realizing that I've been allowing stress to run my life and I need to put a stop to it. No one is going to do it for me. And I've been given this summer to do it. I thought the quiet would drive me nuts, but it's been a great time to be reflective and figure some things out. Now that I've had the realization, it's time to act. Looks like this quiet summer has been a good thing after all. :-)
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