Death of a Dream

Have you ever wanted something so badly that it consumed you? I mean literally just consumed your life. Wasted moments, days, maybe even years creating something in your head that was maybe never really there to begin with.

Where does that desire come from? Why is it in my heart if it isn't right? If what I want is not what's best for me, what's right for me or what God has for me, why can't I let go of it? Or better yet, why is it there in the first place?

I honestly just don't understand. It makes no logical sense to me. I have allowed my desires to consume my mind, sometimes not even consciously. I feed into the thoughts in my head and the desires in my heart, creating imaginary situations and outcomes, but generally all ending the same-with me getting what it is that I want.

Is this normal? Do all girls do this? Do guys do this? And if so, how do you stop? When you come to the realization that what you desire is never going to happen, how do you let go of it? How do you stop dreaming about it and hoping for it? How do you stop thinking about it every spare moment of everyday?

I wish I knew the answer. I wish someone could tell me three easy steps to fix a broken heart from a broken dream. But I dont think there is an easy answer or a quick fix. I think that you have to just daily make a choice to give it to God, trusting that He has something far better than you can even imagine.

But what do I do in the meantime? My heart still aches and my mind still whirls with thoughts of what could have been. I want to trust Him, but it's hard. Nothing that I'm feeling right now lines up with that, but I know it needs to be done. And maybe I will have to force myself at first. Maybe for quite awhile, but I have to believe that the ache will be gone, the desire will fade away, and I'll be ready for the desires that He has placed in my heart, rather than holding onto something that was never mine to begin with. So, deep breath and here goes...

Trust

"Moments in life and experiences catch us off guard and yet in these dark times or dark hours of our soul are supposed to be the richest sounds of our melodies and we don't really understand that. We think that God's left us when actually we're composing our greatest symphony." Rita Springer

I read this quote today on Facebook, and it really struck a chord in me. I found myself continually going back to it and rereading it. Each time I would try to argue with its logic. It seems almost cruel that God would use tragedy and heartache in this way, but then I finally saw it from another perspective.

There are things that we go through, the most difficult times in life when we feel as though we're drowning and cannot bear to take one more breath. But God has not orchestrated these things. He does, however, allow them. But He has not allowed those things in our lives simply to torture us. At those times when tragedy does hit, it is then that we truly realize how much we need Him. The moments we are at our weakest is when He is strong. The devil will throw things at us that we do not think we can handle. But when we allow God to use those things, He can turn those situations all for our good. The greatest testimonies I have heard that have touched me the most have all been filled with heartache and pain. No two are the same, but each individual has had to persevere through situations that they did not understand. And it was in making that choice, the choice to trust God and His plan, no matter what they saw or the pain they felt, it was then that they began to shine. Their lives become a rainbow. You cannot get a rainbow unless there has been rain. After the storm hits and the dust has settled, we have to choose how we are going to react. Are we going to point the finger back at God in anger and blame, or are we going to raise our hands in surrender as an act of trust, knowing that He can make everything work out in our benefit.

This trust is a daily choice. It is not usually something that comes naturally or even necessarily easily. It is a choice that no matter the pain and no matter the circumstances, I believe there is a God who loves me and who will not give me more than I can bear. When you realize that you don't have to do it in your own strength, but rather that He is your strength, the load just seems so much lighter. But each day, you have to make that choice. Each morning when you wake up, saying, "Lord, I choose to trust you today. I know you have a plan for me. And I know that despite what I'm feeling and what's going on around me, You are in control. You have it all worked out. I trust in You."

It seems so simple, and yet, it can be one of the most difficult things. I am by nature a control freak and a worrier. And so this goes against everything I feel inside most of the time. Because to trust is to give up control. Because I can't control things if I'm trusting God to. Only one of us can, and frankly, He does a much better job of it than I do. Believe me, I've tried. The results are...well, you don't even want to know! Let's just say, He knows what He's doing. But despite my track record, everything inside of me still wars to be in control. And so making that daily choice to trust God, especially when things are not looking too good, can can be extremely difficult. In fact, some days it seems that it is impossible. But those are the days when I need to do it the most. Because when things are dark and I just want to try and fix them, that is when I can truly mess them up. If I would just learn to trust Him in everything, it wouldn't be such a problem. But it's all a growing process. No one is perfect. But it would certainly be nice to be.

So my challenge is to daily trust God with all things, the big and the small, the happy and the sad. No matter the circumstances around us, no matter how things look or feel, making that choice to praise Him anyway. To thank Him simply for another breath, another day here on Earth, and another chance to try again. To trust in Him plan for us instead of our own. To ask Him to be our strength each and every day.

Compare & Contrast

Compare & contrast. I can't even remember how many times throughout my many years of school I was asked to do that. Papers, tests and homework assignments almost always included this task. And I became pretty good at seeing how two things were alike and how they were different. And I always felt one was better than the other. Even though that may not have been the case, I always felt that there needed to be a definitive answer. I mean, how could there not be an answer? One is a winner and one is a loser, right? That makes sense. That makes things settled. That completes it.

All of the comparing and contrasting I did for so many years has really become a bad habit that I continue to use in my everyday life. Are there appropriate times for this to be used? Sure. But when it becomes a constant part of how you think, it can be an extremely dangerous thing. When you look at others to see how you measure up to them, one of you will always be the winner and one will always be the loser. At least, that's how it has been in my mind. And I've come to realize that rather than embracing who I am and what God has blessed me with, I've been comparing it to what others have been blessed with. And as a result, I've been coming up very short! I've been getting down on myself for not being as pretty as this one, or as skinny as that one, or as smart as this other one, or as fun as someone else. For some reason, they are all better than me. In my mind, when I compare myself with someone else, I always come out on the bottom.

As I walked around the track (yes, again!) with a friend tonight, she was talking about her life, things she wanted to do, places she wanted to go, and do you know what my first thought was? "Man, I wish I could be like that! Carefree and spontaneous, fun and adventurous. No wonder she has so many friends. I'm just too practical to even think that way. I can't do anything without planning. No wonder no one thinks I'm fun or carefree." And the more she talked, the more these thoughts went round and round in my head. Until I started to express them out loud. As I said these things out loud, I began to realize how much I have been comparing myself to other for pretty much my whole life. And how ridiculous it is. I was beating myself up for not being like someone else. In essence, I was beating myself up for being me! And when you say it like that, it just sounds stupid.

I believe that God created each and every person on this earth unique for a special purpose. So why does there have to be a winner? Why does someone always have to be better then someone else? Why can't we all just appreciate the differences in others instead of comparing ourselves and feeling like we don't measure up? And by we, I mean me of course. It all starts with me. I need to stop thinking that I'm not as good as other people. I need to start looking at myself and seeing what God sees. I want to look around me and see the differences in everyone, but not feel the need to answer the question of who is better. Just simply to thank God for the uniqueness in all of us. I think that's where it starts. Thank Him for making me who I am, despite what I like and don't like. There is a purpose to everyone and everything about them, even me. And thankfully I am beginning to see that now.

Another New Beginning of Sorts

I went for a walk tonight. (gasp) I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock... Better? Good. I just felt like I needed air, needed to breathe, needed....something. I don't really know what. But all I could think of was to go for a walk. So, through a series of unfortunate events, I ended up at the family park here on campus. As I walked round and round the track, I got to watch new moms pushing their babies in strollers and dads playing soccer with their kids. I watched as a little girl fell off her bike & skinned her knee, and then as her dad ran to her rescue as fast as he could. I watched all of this & thought, "This is what I want. I want to bring my kids to the park, push them on the swings and watch them ride their bikes."

I was then welcomed back to the reality of my life. These are things that I have wanted for as long as I can remember, but thus far, these things have all alluded me. I look around at all of the couples, all of the parents, and I have to admit, my heart began to ache. I want to be in love. I want to have a family of my own. And to be honest, I thought I would have that by now. I thought Prince Charming would have gotten here already! But lucky me, my prince took the long way.

It's in these moments that I begin to question my life, dissect it bit by bit to see where I went wrong, where I missed out, why things are the way that they are. And let me just tell you, this is the worst possible thing you can do. I am a master at the "What If" game. I could beat you any time and any day. I've thought of things that most people would not imagine in their lifetime. My mind is my worst enemy. My thoughts are what drives me to a place of sadness, of brokenness. I keep looking at other people and comparing my life with theirs. I don't look like they do. I don't have what they have. And all of a sudden, what was good enough a few moments ago is now worthless because someone else has something better. I have spent my whole life striving for something more, for something better, for something other than what I already have. And I realized that I never stop to just enjoy where I am. I never truly appreciate what is happening in the present. I'm either longing for the past or wishing for the future.

My revelation came when I realized that I cannot move forward until I become content with what I have now. Yes, there are things that I want in the future that I don't have right now. But I have to trust that God knows better than I do. He has a plan & a purpose for my life, and that includes all of these so-called bumps on the road. I may not like it & I may not understand it, but that does not change reality. I can sit around and be miserable & long for things that are not, or I can thank God for each and every moment that I have today.

Faith is about trust. Trusting in a what you can't see. It would be so easy if He would just give us a glimpse into the future. But then where would faith come in. I have faith in a God who loves me & who created me for a purpose. I trust that even when things are hard, He is still by my side. And I trust that He has a plan for me, that He know all of the desires of my heart, and if I continue to walk with Him, I will see those things come to pass. I honestly cannot wait for the future. I'm so excited to meet my husband, to become a mom someday. But until then, there are so many other things to do. My life can't be about sitting around and waiting for those things to happen. It's time to stop waiting and start living!