Time goes by so fast! I can't believe sometimes how quickly it really goes. When you're looking forward to something, it seems to takes forever, but then it's over before you know it & you're back to reality. I was thinking this morning about when I first came to CFNI - now 4 1/2 years ago! Can you believe it? I can't. I can remember it like it was yesterday. Leaving everyone and everything behind to come to this crazy place! Haha. It seems surreal that it's been that long.
At times I feel like I haven't changed that much, and maybe I haven't on the outside, but on the inside, things are quite different than they were. Especially recently. I've been making a conscious effort to change those things about me that I don't like. I've been trying not to stress as much (as I normally tend to stress about everything!) and relax a bit. I've been learning to set boundaries, and to be honest and let people know what's really on my mind.
I came to the realization lately that I've spent so much of my life trying to be what everyone thinks I should, do the things other people thought I should do, trying to be polite & proper, that I lost myself somewhere. This need to always please others, to always have approval, I wish I knew where it came from. Why do I care so much what other people think? Why do I get so uptight trying to say and do the right things all of the time? Is there a time and a place to be polite & proper, of course! But not every minute of every day!
It's ok to be who you are! That's something I have to tell myself everyday. God made me as I am for a reason. There is a plan and a purpose for me - just me! And if I spend my life trying to live up to everyone else's plan and purpose for me, then I'll never fulfill what it is God wants me to do. I look at people who are just themselves all the time, no pretenses, nothing fake, just real, and I envy that. Though at times they may step over the line (I still believe there is a time and place for everything. Sometimes you need to be polite), people forgive them because that's who they are.
I read somewhere recently that people who have low self-esteem actually have a pride issue because they are always thinking about themselves and thinking that everyone is thinking about them as well, even though it's in a negative way. And that got me thinking - am I prideful? Do I think that everyone is always thinking about how bad I look, or how I said the wrong thing, or didn't say the right thing, or didn't do this or that? Yes. And the truth is that by thinking that, I'm making myself more important than I really am. Are there times that people are talking about me - I'm sure. But not most of the time. A majority of the time, people are worried about themselves.
So the challange for me comes in here - can I stop worrying about other people & just worry about what I say and what God says? Well, people's expectations. I just want to live up to God's expectations, because those are truly the only ones that matter. I know it's going to continue to be a challenge, but I've definitely grown over time, and I believe I will continue to do so.
