Looking at my last post, I can't believe it's been over a year. Wow. Time sure does fly. So much has changed in that year, and yet at times it seems like nothing really has changed. I may live in a different state, have a different occupation (or multiple occupations at the moment), be surrounded with different people, but I really haven't changed. And is some ways that's good - the core of who we are should always remain. But truthfully I feel as though I should be farther along than I am.
What does that mean exactly? Well, looking back over my posts & the things I was feeling a year ago, two years ago, etc., those feelings still remain. I am still holding on to all of the fears, I am still wishing things were different than they are, still looking for what will make me happy. I uprooted my whole life thinking that would do that trick, and it hasn't. Am I as stressed out as I was this time last year, no. But quitting a full time job will help with that. But I am still longing for the things that seem to be out of my grasp. I'm still not content...
And that's truly what it comes down to. The art of contentment. It's a concept that I understand, yet can never seem to fully grasp. I sit around and wish things were different instead of getting up and making them different. It's a sad fact that I am not who I truly want to be. I try so hard not to compare myself to others, but I see people who are content, who are making a difference in the world, and wonder why I can't be like them. And I know it's not about being like anyone else, but I want to be the best version of me. I feel as though I always fall short, so at times it makes me not even want to try.
But time will continue on whether I try or not. Yes, there will be ups and downs, but focusing on the good and the positive and the present are all things that I need to try and do. I keep saying the same things in my posts over & over again...when am I going to start doing something about it. As time goes by, I can continue in the cycle I've been in, or I can finally make a change. I hate change! So so much. But I am not too fond of where my life is at the moment either. So it's time to make a choice. And not making a choice is one all in itself. My prayer is that the next time I post, I will have begun making those positive changes. I know God has a plan for my life & I am trusting Him - but I have some leg work to do along the way!
