This morning I woke up and was slapped in the face with the harsh reality that I am alone. Shocking, I know. As I said, this is not brand new information. I've been alone for (gasp) eight years. So really, there is nothing new about this situation. But I try my best day to day not to think about it, not to dwell on it, not to allow myself to even go near those thoughts.
But then there are days like today. You wake up and look around you, and for some reason it is more apparent than it has been. And it's hit you...I'm alone. You feel that ache that's inside of you, the one you've been trying to ignore and pretend isn't present every moment of every day. Yep, that's one. It's more apparent now then it has been in as long as you can remember. That longing for someone to wake up next to, talk to, share your life with, hold your hand, kiss you goodnight...why am I so aware of it today? Why can't I just brush it aside like I do every other day? Why do I just wanna lay in bed & cry until my prince comes to rescue me?!
Boy do I wish I knew the answer to that! The truth is, I have not a clue. I don't know why some days are easier than others. I don't know why some days I can ignore that ticking time bomb in my head that tells me I'm all alone & not getting any younger. It doesn't make sense. I look around me & see couples everywhere. I know in reality that no relationship is perfect, and that marriage is not the answer, yet that doesn't even begin to dull the ache. It doesn't make it any easier to be the lone ranger in a world full of couples.
I want to get married. I want to have kids. I want that life! Is that so wrong? Is it really so wrong that I can't have it? It seems so easy for other people. I feel like everyone I know is literally giving birth or marrying their prince charming at this exact moment! How come they get the life that I want, that I've always wanted for as long as I can remember? It's just not fair. And don't give me that whole, "Life isn't fair!" speech. Because seriously, I don't wanna hear it! I know life isn't fair, but that doesn't make it hurt less. That doesn't make me not want to cuddle on the couch with someone or miss that butterfly feeling in my stomach that happens when you see him!!!
So where does this leave me? Sad, lonely, and longing for someone to share my life with. That's where. But that just seems so depressing. I mean, honestly, is that what my life has become. A sad realization that I'm alone and that's it. No hope for the future, not desire to keep searching, nothing? I guess today, there are times I wish I felt that way. I wish I could just say, "FORGET IT! I'm not looking anymore. I'm done!" But the truth is I'm not done. I still want that. I still hope and pray for that everyday. I want to find that person. And when I do, I know I'll realize then that it was worth the wait. And until then, I will continue to pray that God gives me the strength to press through the bad days, and enjoy all of the good ones along the way.
