Motivation

How do you become motivated? How do you keep yourself motivated? I think for some people, they are just born with a natural drive inside of them. A drive to always be pushing forward, looking for the next thing, moving up in the world. They have drive to not become complacent with what they have or where they are. For others, that drive doesn't come as easily. They fall with ease into the routine of daily life, and never really have the urge to push beyond that.

I always thought that I was a driven person. I pushed myself to do well in school. I always did my best and applied everything I had to any task I was given, whether in the classroom or on the job. But lately I've realized that I've lost most of that. I'm not really sure how or when it happened, but it has. The monotony of everyday life has just become what I am used to. Now don't get me wrong, I am by no means content with the way that things are now (see previous posts if you have NO idea what I'm talking about). I want so many different things in my life that I don't have right now. But if I'm completely honest with myself, I have become extremely lazy. I lack any motivation to begin to make the changes that I want in my life.

Now it's true that there are things that I do not have the power to change right at this moment. Those things I have to give over to God & believe that they will come in His time. But there are without a doubt a number of things that I could be working towards right now, and I'm just not. There's not particular reason that I can think of, other than it's hard & I don't feel like it. It's kind of strange to finally just admit it. I have been so incredibly lazy! I just don't want to do the work. The truth is that I want things to be different but I don't really want to have to contribute. I just want a quick fix, and easy answer. I don't want to have to work for it.

So now that I've admitted it, I guess the question is what am I going to do about it. If I continue on the path that I am on, I know things will not get any better. My battles will just get more & more difficult & I will eventually have to pick myself up & fight! Or I guess I could just go ahead and get started with that now. I think I'm waiting for things to get easy. And you know what, that's never gonna happen! It's never going to be easy to get up & make the changes that I want in my life. So if it's never going to be easy, then what the heck am I waiting for?! I guess I just answered my own question. God, please give me the desire to make the changes in my life that I know I need to make. Please push me when I don't want to or feel like I can't go anymore!!!

Contentment

Another semester has officially come and gone. It's strange how when you're no longer in school, but you work at one, your time is still measured by semesters, although the end of a semester has come to mean different things. It used to mean a month off, going home, spending time with my family & friends that I missed for months at a time. But now it means that everyone else gets to do those things, and what is usually a busy and crowded campus is now virtually a ghost town. It's eerily quiet already, and school just ended yesterday. And the worst part is that your friends tend to come & go. Sometimes just for the break, but more often than not, for good.

I don't hate being alone, but I don't really enjoy it either. I guess it really depends on the day and sometimes even the moment. Being alone means spending time with yourself, and to be honest, I'm not always the best company. I realize every time that I'm alone for long periods of time, I actually relish the distraction of other people because it means I don't have to take a good look at myself and deal with my own life and my own thoughts. I am often, unfortunately far far too often, unhappy with my circumstances and with myself. But as long as I keep myself busy and don't allow myself to think about it, then it just gets pushed aside and I don't have to deal with it. But on days like these, the reality of my life and how frustrated I am at my circumstances is undeniable.

Please don't get me wrong, I know that I am truly blessed. God has always provided for me, and I am truly thankful that I have never really wanted for anything. I have an amazing family and great friends. But if I were to answer the question, "Are you happy?" honestly, I'd have to say no. But then again, I can't really remember a time when I was. I think I am always looking for something more than what I have. Longing for what someone else has. Basically wishing my life away. I don't know that I have ever truly been content. I want to be, but the truth is I don't think I know how to be.

So that will be my goal for these next few weeks. To practice the art of contentment. I don't even know where to begin, but I think now is as good a time as any to start. Taking an honest look at my life, and thanking God for the things he has blessed me with, asking Him what He wants me to do at this time & in this season. Those are the things that I need to be focused on, not what I think I'm missing.

So please keep me in your prayers, as I begin to take on this task. I know it will not be easy, but I believe it will be truly life changing.

Alone

Have you ever been slapped in the face by reality? I mean, nothing has changed, no grand revelations or anything. You just wake up one day and it's like someone shoved a mirror right in front of your face. You see everything for what it really is. You've been fooling yourself, but not anymore. No matter how hard you try, you cannot ignore the reality that is staring straight back at you.

This morning I woke up and was slapped in the face with the harsh reality that I am alone. Shocking, I know. As I said, this is not brand new information. I've been alone for (gasp) eight years. So really, there is nothing new about this situation. But I try my best day to day not to think about it, not to dwell on it, not to allow myself to even go near those thoughts.

But then there are days like today. You wake up and look around you, and for some reason it is more apparent than it has been. And it's hit you...I'm alone. You feel that ache that's inside of you, the one you've been trying to ignore and pretend isn't present every moment of every day. Yep, that's one. It's more apparent now then it has been in as long as you can remember. That longing for someone to wake up next to, talk to, share your life with, hold your hand, kiss you goodnight...why am I so aware of it today? Why can't I just brush it aside like I do every other day? Why do I just wanna lay in bed & cry until my prince comes to rescue me?!

Boy do I wish I knew the answer to that! The truth is, I have not a clue. I don't know why some days are easier than others. I don't know why some days I can ignore that ticking time bomb in my head that tells me I'm all alone & not getting any younger. It doesn't make sense. I look around me & see couples everywhere. I know in reality that no relationship is perfect, and that marriage is not the answer, yet that doesn't even begin to dull the ache. It doesn't make it any easier to be the lone ranger in a world full of couples.

I want to get married. I want to have kids. I want that life! Is that so wrong? Is it really so wrong that I can't have it? It seems so easy for other people. I feel like everyone I know is literally giving birth or marrying their prince charming at this exact moment! How come they get the life that I want, that I've always wanted for as long as I can remember? It's just not fair. And don't give me that whole, "Life isn't fair!" speech. Because seriously, I don't wanna hear it! I know life isn't fair, but that doesn't make it hurt less. That doesn't make me not want to cuddle on the couch with someone or miss that butterfly feeling in my stomach that happens when you see him!!!

So where does this leave me? Sad, lonely, and longing for someone to share my life with. That's where. But that just seems so depressing. I mean, honestly, is that what my life has become. A sad realization that I'm alone and that's it. No hope for the future, not desire to keep searching, nothing? I guess today, there are times I wish I felt that way. I wish I could just say, "FORGET IT! I'm not looking anymore. I'm done!" But the truth is I'm not done. I still want that. I still hope and pray for that everyday. I want to find that person. And when I do, I know I'll realize then that it was worth the wait. And until then, I will continue to pray that God gives me the strength to press through the bad days, and enjoy all of the good ones along the way.

Death of a Dream

Have you ever wanted something so badly that it consumed you? I mean literally just consumed your life. Wasted moments, days, maybe even years creating something in your head that was maybe never really there to begin with.

Where does that desire come from? Why is it in my heart if it isn't right? If what I want is not what's best for me, what's right for me or what God has for me, why can't I let go of it? Or better yet, why is it there in the first place?

I honestly just don't understand. It makes no logical sense to me. I have allowed my desires to consume my mind, sometimes not even consciously. I feed into the thoughts in my head and the desires in my heart, creating imaginary situations and outcomes, but generally all ending the same-with me getting what it is that I want.

Is this normal? Do all girls do this? Do guys do this? And if so, how do you stop? When you come to the realization that what you desire is never going to happen, how do you let go of it? How do you stop dreaming about it and hoping for it? How do you stop thinking about it every spare moment of everyday?

I wish I knew the answer. I wish someone could tell me three easy steps to fix a broken heart from a broken dream. But I dont think there is an easy answer or a quick fix. I think that you have to just daily make a choice to give it to God, trusting that He has something far better than you can even imagine.

But what do I do in the meantime? My heart still aches and my mind still whirls with thoughts of what could have been. I want to trust Him, but it's hard. Nothing that I'm feeling right now lines up with that, but I know it needs to be done. And maybe I will have to force myself at first. Maybe for quite awhile, but I have to believe that the ache will be gone, the desire will fade away, and I'll be ready for the desires that He has placed in my heart, rather than holding onto something that was never mine to begin with. So, deep breath and here goes...

Trust

"Moments in life and experiences catch us off guard and yet in these dark times or dark hours of our soul are supposed to be the richest sounds of our melodies and we don't really understand that. We think that God's left us when actually we're composing our greatest symphony." Rita Springer

I read this quote today on Facebook, and it really struck a chord in me. I found myself continually going back to it and rereading it. Each time I would try to argue with its logic. It seems almost cruel that God would use tragedy and heartache in this way, but then I finally saw it from another perspective.

There are things that we go through, the most difficult times in life when we feel as though we're drowning and cannot bear to take one more breath. But God has not orchestrated these things. He does, however, allow them. But He has not allowed those things in our lives simply to torture us. At those times when tragedy does hit, it is then that we truly realize how much we need Him. The moments we are at our weakest is when He is strong. The devil will throw things at us that we do not think we can handle. But when we allow God to use those things, He can turn those situations all for our good. The greatest testimonies I have heard that have touched me the most have all been filled with heartache and pain. No two are the same, but each individual has had to persevere through situations that they did not understand. And it was in making that choice, the choice to trust God and His plan, no matter what they saw or the pain they felt, it was then that they began to shine. Their lives become a rainbow. You cannot get a rainbow unless there has been rain. After the storm hits and the dust has settled, we have to choose how we are going to react. Are we going to point the finger back at God in anger and blame, or are we going to raise our hands in surrender as an act of trust, knowing that He can make everything work out in our benefit.

This trust is a daily choice. It is not usually something that comes naturally or even necessarily easily. It is a choice that no matter the pain and no matter the circumstances, I believe there is a God who loves me and who will not give me more than I can bear. When you realize that you don't have to do it in your own strength, but rather that He is your strength, the load just seems so much lighter. But each day, you have to make that choice. Each morning when you wake up, saying, "Lord, I choose to trust you today. I know you have a plan for me. And I know that despite what I'm feeling and what's going on around me, You are in control. You have it all worked out. I trust in You."

It seems so simple, and yet, it can be one of the most difficult things. I am by nature a control freak and a worrier. And so this goes against everything I feel inside most of the time. Because to trust is to give up control. Because I can't control things if I'm trusting God to. Only one of us can, and frankly, He does a much better job of it than I do. Believe me, I've tried. The results are...well, you don't even want to know! Let's just say, He knows what He's doing. But despite my track record, everything inside of me still wars to be in control. And so making that daily choice to trust God, especially when things are not looking too good, can can be extremely difficult. In fact, some days it seems that it is impossible. But those are the days when I need to do it the most. Because when things are dark and I just want to try and fix them, that is when I can truly mess them up. If I would just learn to trust Him in everything, it wouldn't be such a problem. But it's all a growing process. No one is perfect. But it would certainly be nice to be.

So my challenge is to daily trust God with all things, the big and the small, the happy and the sad. No matter the circumstances around us, no matter how things look or feel, making that choice to praise Him anyway. To thank Him simply for another breath, another day here on Earth, and another chance to try again. To trust in Him plan for us instead of our own. To ask Him to be our strength each and every day.

Compare & Contrast

Compare & contrast. I can't even remember how many times throughout my many years of school I was asked to do that. Papers, tests and homework assignments almost always included this task. And I became pretty good at seeing how two things were alike and how they were different. And I always felt one was better than the other. Even though that may not have been the case, I always felt that there needed to be a definitive answer. I mean, how could there not be an answer? One is a winner and one is a loser, right? That makes sense. That makes things settled. That completes it.

All of the comparing and contrasting I did for so many years has really become a bad habit that I continue to use in my everyday life. Are there appropriate times for this to be used? Sure. But when it becomes a constant part of how you think, it can be an extremely dangerous thing. When you look at others to see how you measure up to them, one of you will always be the winner and one will always be the loser. At least, that's how it has been in my mind. And I've come to realize that rather than embracing who I am and what God has blessed me with, I've been comparing it to what others have been blessed with. And as a result, I've been coming up very short! I've been getting down on myself for not being as pretty as this one, or as skinny as that one, or as smart as this other one, or as fun as someone else. For some reason, they are all better than me. In my mind, when I compare myself with someone else, I always come out on the bottom.

As I walked around the track (yes, again!) with a friend tonight, she was talking about her life, things she wanted to do, places she wanted to go, and do you know what my first thought was? "Man, I wish I could be like that! Carefree and spontaneous, fun and adventurous. No wonder she has so many friends. I'm just too practical to even think that way. I can't do anything without planning. No wonder no one thinks I'm fun or carefree." And the more she talked, the more these thoughts went round and round in my head. Until I started to express them out loud. As I said these things out loud, I began to realize how much I have been comparing myself to other for pretty much my whole life. And how ridiculous it is. I was beating myself up for not being like someone else. In essence, I was beating myself up for being me! And when you say it like that, it just sounds stupid.

I believe that God created each and every person on this earth unique for a special purpose. So why does there have to be a winner? Why does someone always have to be better then someone else? Why can't we all just appreciate the differences in others instead of comparing ourselves and feeling like we don't measure up? And by we, I mean me of course. It all starts with me. I need to stop thinking that I'm not as good as other people. I need to start looking at myself and seeing what God sees. I want to look around me and see the differences in everyone, but not feel the need to answer the question of who is better. Just simply to thank God for the uniqueness in all of us. I think that's where it starts. Thank Him for making me who I am, despite what I like and don't like. There is a purpose to everyone and everything about them, even me. And thankfully I am beginning to see that now.

Another New Beginning of Sorts

I went for a walk tonight. (gasp) I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock... Better? Good. I just felt like I needed air, needed to breathe, needed....something. I don't really know what. But all I could think of was to go for a walk. So, through a series of unfortunate events, I ended up at the family park here on campus. As I walked round and round the track, I got to watch new moms pushing their babies in strollers and dads playing soccer with their kids. I watched as a little girl fell off her bike & skinned her knee, and then as her dad ran to her rescue as fast as he could. I watched all of this & thought, "This is what I want. I want to bring my kids to the park, push them on the swings and watch them ride their bikes."

I was then welcomed back to the reality of my life. These are things that I have wanted for as long as I can remember, but thus far, these things have all alluded me. I look around at all of the couples, all of the parents, and I have to admit, my heart began to ache. I want to be in love. I want to have a family of my own. And to be honest, I thought I would have that by now. I thought Prince Charming would have gotten here already! But lucky me, my prince took the long way.

It's in these moments that I begin to question my life, dissect it bit by bit to see where I went wrong, where I missed out, why things are the way that they are. And let me just tell you, this is the worst possible thing you can do. I am a master at the "What If" game. I could beat you any time and any day. I've thought of things that most people would not imagine in their lifetime. My mind is my worst enemy. My thoughts are what drives me to a place of sadness, of brokenness. I keep looking at other people and comparing my life with theirs. I don't look like they do. I don't have what they have. And all of a sudden, what was good enough a few moments ago is now worthless because someone else has something better. I have spent my whole life striving for something more, for something better, for something other than what I already have. And I realized that I never stop to just enjoy where I am. I never truly appreciate what is happening in the present. I'm either longing for the past or wishing for the future.

My revelation came when I realized that I cannot move forward until I become content with what I have now. Yes, there are things that I want in the future that I don't have right now. But I have to trust that God knows better than I do. He has a plan & a purpose for my life, and that includes all of these so-called bumps on the road. I may not like it & I may not understand it, but that does not change reality. I can sit around and be miserable & long for things that are not, or I can thank God for each and every moment that I have today.

Faith is about trust. Trusting in a what you can't see. It would be so easy if He would just give us a glimpse into the future. But then where would faith come in. I have faith in a God who loves me & who created me for a purpose. I trust that even when things are hard, He is still by my side. And I trust that He has a plan for me, that He know all of the desires of my heart, and if I continue to walk with Him, I will see those things come to pass. I honestly cannot wait for the future. I'm so excited to meet my husband, to become a mom someday. But until then, there are so many other things to do. My life can't be about sitting around and waiting for those things to happen. It's time to stop waiting and start living!

A New Beginning

Hello everyone!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas filled with family and friends. It always amazes me how quickly it comes and goes after so much anticipation. But a new year has begun, and it is literally a new beginning for me as well.

I have returned to Dallas after graduating CFNI just a few weeks ago. My plan was to move home and look for a job there, but two days before graduation, I got a call from the accounting department here at school offering me a job I had interviewed for nearly a month earlier. It all happened very quickly after that. Graduation came and went, my family headed back home as I tried to figure out what in the world was going on. I worked for four days, then they let me go home for Christmas! I was so excited to be able to see everyone and catch up a bit. But it was also bittersweet. I think everyone (including me at times) thought, or at least hoped, that I would be returning home upon graduation. But God had other plans. And while working in the accounting department is obviously not my dream job in ministry, I know it is only for a season. I believe this is a season for me to have some stability and do some growing up . A 9-5 will do that to you. Haha. Although I'll be working full time, I do plan on staying involved in worship, perhaps even looking for a part time worship pastor position somewhere.

While it is difficult to be so far from home, I know there is a plan in all of this. I believe and hold onto the promises that God has made to me. I may not understand the path right at this moment, but looking back on my life, nothing at the time has made too much sense. But it has all led me to where I am. This year is going to be one of change, of adjustment, and new things on the horizon. I'm not quite sure what they are yet, but He is. And I trust in that, even though it's a bit hard at the moment.

I'm sorry I did not get to see all of you while I was home. The time went so fast. But I do miss each and every one of you and pray for you each and everyday. Please keep in touch...email, facebook, texting - you can even call!!! haha. Now that I'm not in school I'll probably have more time to update, so please check back often. :-) Love you all!