Time to Make a Choice

Looking at my last post, I can't believe it's been over a year. Wow. Time sure does fly. So much has changed in that year, and yet at times it seems like nothing really has changed. I may live in a different state, have a different occupation (or multiple occupations at the moment), be surrounded with different people, but I really haven't changed. And is some ways that's good - the core of who we are should always remain. But truthfully I feel as though I should be farther along than I am.

What does that mean exactly? Well, looking back over my posts & the things I was feeling a year ago, two years ago, etc., those feelings still remain. I am still holding on to all of the fears, I am still wishing things were different than they are, still looking for what will make me happy. I uprooted my whole life thinking that would do that trick, and it hasn't. Am I as stressed out as I was this time last year, no. But quitting a full time job will help with that. But I am still longing for the things that seem to be out of my grasp. I'm still not content...

And that's truly what it comes down to. The art of contentment. It's a concept that I understand, yet can never seem to fully grasp. I sit around and wish things were different instead of getting up and making them different. It's a sad fact that I am not who I truly want to be. I try so hard not to compare myself to others, but I see people who are content, who are making a difference in the world, and wonder why I can't be like them. And I know it's not about being like anyone else, but I want to be the best version of me. I feel as though I always fall short, so at times it makes me not even want to try.

But time will continue on whether I try or not. Yes, there will be ups and downs, but focusing on the good and the positive and the present are all things that I need to try and do. I keep saying the same things in my posts over & over again...when am I going to start doing something about it. As time goes by, I can continue in the cycle I've been in, or I can finally make a change. I hate change! So so much. But I am not too fond of where my life is at the moment either. So it's time to make a choice. And not making a choice is one all in itself. My prayer is that the next time I post, I will have begun making those positive changes. I know God has a plan for my life & I am trusting Him - but I have some leg work to do along the way!

Dreaming

What does it mean to dream? I've been bombarded recently with that concept. From sermons to tv shows to friends to my own thoughts, the concept of dreaming has been almost haunting me. Why is that? Probably because I have pretty much given up on it. I don't know when or how it happened, but somewhere along the way, I stopped dreaming. I started to settle and be complacent. And even though I believe that deep down inside I still have dreams that can be fulfilled, I have been struggling with trying to remember what those dreams even are!

In some ways, I feel like I was born way too practical for my own good. I know that sounds strange, and even a bit contradictory. I do believe that God formed each of us uniquely for a purpose, so I know that my practical nature has a purpose, but for most of my life I have allowed it to get the better of me. One of the main reason I stopped dreaming is that it just does not seem practical. Not to mention I am far too critical. At times in the past that I have dreamt of certain things, I have quickly dismissed them as impractical or silly. And when those thoughts have popped back in my head or my heart, I once again brush them aside and tell myself that God has created certain people for big dreams and others for the practical things of life. And I'm just a practical kind of girl...right?

If that were true, why am I feeling so much unrest? Why do I long for things, even though most of the time I'm not even sure what those things are? I look back at my past blogs and there is clearly a longing there. My last post said I wanted to write - and that was a year ago!!! The problem is that when I start writing, I start thinking. And when I think too much then ideas start to come, which can only lead to impractical dreams. So I stopped writing, stopped thinking and just kept going with the day to day of life, thinking somehow that would make things better. Only it hasn't. There is still a longing inside of me that I cannot explain. A longing to do something more with my life, not just to settle for the practical.

Could it be that I have not completely given up on dreaming? Could it be that I am not too practical for my own good after all? I truly believe that God is beginning to stir something in my heart. I'm not even too sure what it is yet, but I know that it's there. And for the first time in a long time I really want to find out what it is. I want to take the necessary steps to discover the dreams I have long pushed to the back of my mind hoping they wouldn't return to haunt me. But now is the time! I know there is a purpose, even in the timing. And I am trusting that God will lead me each step of the way. The hard part is only beginning, and yet I am extremely excited as I take a deep breath and prepare for whatever lies ahead!

I'm back!

Well, it's been quite a while since I last posted anything. In fact, I don't remember the last time I wrote anything at all. But I think it's time to change that. So if you don't mind, I'd really like to share some things with you. And maybe along the way encourage any of you that might be going through something similar. So here goes...

This is all coming about because of a bit of a breakdown. After crying on and off for nearly an entire day, I realized that some things needed to change. I have been simply existing for quite a long time and I've noticed that this is my pattern. I get so bogged down in the day to day that I forget about what is really important. And I forget to create a life full of things that I love and enjoy. I simply work work work and that's about it. And I wonder why I feel unfulfilled and unhappy.

After much contemplation, I realize that I don't feel like I'm making a difference in the world. I know that I am still here because this is where God wants me, but I have been dealing with it almost like a prison sentence. Just doing my time until the next thing comes along. But I don't just want to do my fime, I want to make the most of my time. I want to feel fulfilled and enjoy each and every day, not just have an occasional moment of happiness  during days that are mostly filled with nothing much. It's not a way to live, and it's been what has made me feel so miserable. I'm missing out on life!

So the challenge for me is how do I continue in my normal day to day activities, but change my persepective. Not see everyday as a stress-filled obligation that gets me one day closer to the end, but rather a piece of the puzzle that is one step closer to being completed. When you work behind a desk all day, it's extremely hard to view any of that as significant. And since I feel like I'm never able to catch up on my work, it's hard for me not to feel stressed about that. But instead of going home and working every night, or simply letting the stress overtake me and do absolutely nothing, I need to figure out what else I can and should be doing. What can I do to better myself? What can I do to help others? What can I do that makes me happy?

It's funny that I feel ok sharing all of this, because I don't let people in very easily. Trust is a hard thing for me, and it makes me keep people at arms length. But yesterday, Julie asked for people to encourage me on facebook and twitter since I was having such a bad day. And people really came through.I got some of the nicest comments and encouragements that meant the world to me! It made me realize that I do have people that love me and care about me that I can trust. I just need to open myself up to that.

So please keep checking back. I want to make this a regular thing, because not only does writing help me, but I really enjoy it! So I'm going to try my best to post something everyday. Even if it's not as long as this one. A reflection of my day and where I am in my journey. I hope that's ok. Basically a journal, but not so private! Haha. But that's ok. Knowing there are even a few of you out there that understand what I'm going through strangely makes me feel better. :-)

The Challenge

Time goes by so fast! I can't believe sometimes how quickly it really goes. When you're looking forward to something, it seems to takes forever, but then it's over before you know it & you're back to reality. I was thinking this morning about when I first came to CFNI - now 4 1/2 years ago! Can you believe it? I can't. I can remember it like it was yesterday. Leaving everyone and everything behind to come to this crazy place! Haha. It seems surreal that it's been that long.

At times I feel like I haven't changed that much, and maybe I haven't on the outside, but on the inside, things are quite different than they were. Especially recently. I've been making a conscious effort to change those things about me that I don't like. I've been trying not to stress as much (as I normally tend to stress about everything!) and relax a bit. I've been learning to set boundaries, and to be honest and let people know what's really on my mind.

I came to the realization lately that I've spent so much of my life trying to be what everyone thinks I should, do the things other people thought I should do, trying to be polite & proper, that I lost myself somewhere. This need to always please others, to always have approval, I wish I knew where it came from. Why do I care so much what other people think? Why do I get so uptight trying to say and do the right things all of the time? Is there a time and a place to be polite & proper, of course! But not every minute of every day!

It's ok to be who you are! That's something I have to tell myself everyday. God made me as I am for a reason. There is a plan and a purpose for me - just me! And if I spend my life trying to live up to everyone else's plan and purpose for me, then I'll never fulfill what it is God wants me to do. I look at people who are just themselves all the time, no pretenses, nothing fake, just real, and I envy that. Though at times they may step over the line (I still believe there is a time and place for everything. Sometimes you need to be polite), people forgive them because that's who they are.

I read somewhere recently that people who have low self-esteem actually have a pride issue because they are always thinking about themselves and thinking that everyone is thinking about them as well, even though it's in a negative way. And that got me thinking - am I prideful? Do I think that everyone is always thinking about how bad I look, or how I said the wrong thing, or didn't say the right thing, or didn't do this or that? Yes. And the truth is that by thinking that, I'm making myself more important than I really am. Are there times that people are talking about me - I'm sure. But not most of the time. A majority of the time, people are worried about themselves.

So the challange for me comes in here - can I stop worrying about other people & just worry about what I say and what God says? Well, people's expectations. I just want to live up to God's expectations, because those are truly the only ones that matter. I know it's going to continue to be a challenge, but I've definitely grown over time, and I believe I will continue to do so.

Choices

Everything in life is a choice. While this may not be a new revelation for some, it is for me. Maybe not subconsciously, but I'm really just allowing myself to realize this fact. There are many things in life that happen, circumstances that come our way, and it may not look like we have a choice...but we do. Our choice is in whether or not we allow those circumstances to effect us. Are we going to choose to let the heavy workload stress us out (I know I usually do), or are we going to say, "I'll do what I can do and tackle the rest tomorrow."? Are we going to choose to let the pain we feel dictate what we do that day, or are we going to say, "In spite of the pain, I'm going to get up and get going."?

I've had a realization recently that my physical ailments are due in large part to the stress I have allowed in my life. Thing have been chaotic and down right crazy at work, and I've allowed that to literally overtake my life. And as a result, I am suffering. Not sleeping, not happy, constant headaches, all of these things I believe are a result of allowing this craziness to effect me so greatly. So I decided that despite circumstances around me, I am going to do my best to not let them dictate how I should feel. Are things still crazy at work? Yep. Are people still going to bug me? Yep. Do I still wanna scream sometimes because there's too much to do? Yep. But guess what? There's never going to be a day when everything is perfect, when you feel perfect. So the goal is to press on through and be thankful for that day anyway.

Romans 5:1-5 - This tells me that every trial, every hard time, every stressful situation is making me stronger. It's building something in me that was not there before. But that's only if I allow it to. I have to allow a situation to teach me patience, otherwise it's just another frustrating thing that stresses me out. And if I don't learn, another situation will come along that tests my patience again. So maybe I should just learn my lesson already! I can have peace in the midst of a storm, because God is my peace. I just need to hold on to him.

So I am choosing to today, whatever comes my way, I will not become stressed out! No matter if I'm overwhelmed or feel that I have more than I can take on myself, I will trust and know that God is there with me. And I will choose today, despite the pain I feel, that these migraines will not rule my life. I will go to work and have a normal day. I have faith that God is going to heal me, and I believe he has already begun doing so. AMEN! :-)

Inspiration

What is your inspiration? Is there something that you want to accomplish in our life that until now has seemed out of reach? Where do you find the inspiration to keep reaching for it? It's an interesting thought really. I think we all need something that pushes us towards that ultimate goal, whether it seems reachable or not.

Sitting at the piano yesterday, struggling to play things that probably any third grader could play (no offense, third graders), I got frustrated. I thought, what's the point. I'm nearly thirty years old and still haven't come close to mastering this. I've started and stopped lessons so many times, and it shows. But as I started to think about it, I realized that I could keep going with the same pattern, or I could push myself to keep practicing, keep playing, keep learning. And then eventually I'll be better than a third grader, then a fourth grader...you get the idea. But if I stop playing and start up again later, I'll just be an even older third grader! And who wants that?!

But that whole situation made me realize something very important - I want my life to matter. I want to have purpose and I want to feel like I make difference. On the days where I am lonely or upset or just feeling down, I don't feel like I matter. I don't feel like who I am or what I'm doing is really making a difference to anyone. I feel as though I'm just floating through life, trying to get through...and I'm not even really sure what I'm trying to get to. But I think that these are the times where I need inspiration. I need to truly accept that God made me for a purpose, even in the small things. I've let myself be so consumed with the details that it's made me feel like there's no real purpose in all of it. But if I stop to look at the bigger picture, everything that has happened up until this moment was to get me here. And all of the things I'm going through and doing right now are to get me to the next place. When you get somewhere and look back, it usually makes sense. But in the moment, it rarely does.

Inspiration is what keeps us going when things don't make sense. When we've tried 117 times before, inspiration says 118 will be it! You will do it this time! You will get it. Just get back up & try again. I don't want to be a quitter. I don't want to look back and think about the time I wasted. Instead I want to look back and say I made the most of every moment. To me that is a life that will make a difference.

A Quiet Summer

In looking back at my last few posts before I begin writing this one, I see that I tend to write for one of two reasons: 1) I am feeling restless and want to make a change or 2) I'm desperately unhappy about something.

I'd like to change that. Which, even as I'm typing it makes me realize that it applies #1 above. Haha. But that's ok, because this is too important to not share for a silly reason like that.

I had a realization yesterday that I have been putting myself in harms way simply because I am stressed. My migraines have returned worse than ever, my blood pressure is continuing to rise along with my weight, and I'm just generally "getting through." During a conversation last night with a friend, I said, "Well, hopefully when that happens, I won't work so much and I'll be a lot less stressed." Then I realized, I've been saying that for as long as I can remember about pretty much everything in my life. I'm never satisfied and never dealing with the right now, I'm always looking to what's ahead to make me happy, make me not so stressed, make me feel like I'm not missing out.

But as I was walking taking Daisy for a walk this morning, I realized that I am missing out on so much right now because I'm not focused here, I'm focused on the future. It made me think, ok, so I want to get married and have kids. Do I think that then I'll be happy? Are the going to be the source of my happiness? That's a lot of pressure. And what happens when they aren't perfect, as this is pretty much a proven inevitability since no one is? Then will I look forward to when they are grown and out of the house. How sad, that I've been wishing my life away.

Because the truth is that I have been doing this for years. I can consume myself with what if's (the past), and when will's (the future). What if I had said this, what if I had done that, what if this had been different? It's over analyzing the past, something that can't be changed. It's done & I need to learn from it and move on, not keep playing it in my mind over and over. And then there's the when will's. When will I meet the right guy, when will I get married, when will I have a family, when will I move closer to my family? It's natural and ok to have those questions, but it's not natural to fixate on them and not build a life with what God has given you right now. Frankly, it's selfish. It's saying to God that what you blessed me with right now is not good enough. I've never looked at it that way, but it really is. Let's say it's your birthday and someone hands you a gift. You open it and it's a beautiful necklace. Rather than putting it on and seeing how beautiful it looks and thanking the person, you look at them and say, "Thanks. This is ok, but I really wanted diamond earrings. So I'm just gonna keep this in the box and never wear it until you get me those earrings." What a slap in the face that would be. Not only are being ungrateful and ridiculously demanding, you are going to miss out on enjoying the beauty of what you have been given because it's not exactly what you wanted.

WOW!!! That is quite a revelation. If it's not to anyone else, it sure is to me. I just realized what an ungrateful brat I've been. It's crazy what God can reveal if you truly ask him. All of that from realizing that I've been allowing stress to run my life and I need to put a stop to it. No one is going to do it for me. And I've been given this summer to do it. I thought the quiet would drive me nuts, but it's been a great time to be reflective and figure some things out. Now that I've had the realization, it's time to act. Looks like this quiet summer has been a good thing after all. :-)

Motivation

How do you become motivated? How do you keep yourself motivated? I think for some people, they are just born with a natural drive inside of them. A drive to always be pushing forward, looking for the next thing, moving up in the world. They have drive to not become complacent with what they have or where they are. For others, that drive doesn't come as easily. They fall with ease into the routine of daily life, and never really have the urge to push beyond that.

I always thought that I was a driven person. I pushed myself to do well in school. I always did my best and applied everything I had to any task I was given, whether in the classroom or on the job. But lately I've realized that I've lost most of that. I'm not really sure how or when it happened, but it has. The monotony of everyday life has just become what I am used to. Now don't get me wrong, I am by no means content with the way that things are now (see previous posts if you have NO idea what I'm talking about). I want so many different things in my life that I don't have right now. But if I'm completely honest with myself, I have become extremely lazy. I lack any motivation to begin to make the changes that I want in my life.

Now it's true that there are things that I do not have the power to change right at this moment. Those things I have to give over to God & believe that they will come in His time. But there are without a doubt a number of things that I could be working towards right now, and I'm just not. There's not particular reason that I can think of, other than it's hard & I don't feel like it. It's kind of strange to finally just admit it. I have been so incredibly lazy! I just don't want to do the work. The truth is that I want things to be different but I don't really want to have to contribute. I just want a quick fix, and easy answer. I don't want to have to work for it.

So now that I've admitted it, I guess the question is what am I going to do about it. If I continue on the path that I am on, I know things will not get any better. My battles will just get more & more difficult & I will eventually have to pick myself up & fight! Or I guess I could just go ahead and get started with that now. I think I'm waiting for things to get easy. And you know what, that's never gonna happen! It's never going to be easy to get up & make the changes that I want in my life. So if it's never going to be easy, then what the heck am I waiting for?! I guess I just answered my own question. God, please give me the desire to make the changes in my life that I know I need to make. Please push me when I don't want to or feel like I can't go anymore!!!

Contentment

Another semester has officially come and gone. It's strange how when you're no longer in school, but you work at one, your time is still measured by semesters, although the end of a semester has come to mean different things. It used to mean a month off, going home, spending time with my family & friends that I missed for months at a time. But now it means that everyone else gets to do those things, and what is usually a busy and crowded campus is now virtually a ghost town. It's eerily quiet already, and school just ended yesterday. And the worst part is that your friends tend to come & go. Sometimes just for the break, but more often than not, for good.

I don't hate being alone, but I don't really enjoy it either. I guess it really depends on the day and sometimes even the moment. Being alone means spending time with yourself, and to be honest, I'm not always the best company. I realize every time that I'm alone for long periods of time, I actually relish the distraction of other people because it means I don't have to take a good look at myself and deal with my own life and my own thoughts. I am often, unfortunately far far too often, unhappy with my circumstances and with myself. But as long as I keep myself busy and don't allow myself to think about it, then it just gets pushed aside and I don't have to deal with it. But on days like these, the reality of my life and how frustrated I am at my circumstances is undeniable.

Please don't get me wrong, I know that I am truly blessed. God has always provided for me, and I am truly thankful that I have never really wanted for anything. I have an amazing family and great friends. But if I were to answer the question, "Are you happy?" honestly, I'd have to say no. But then again, I can't really remember a time when I was. I think I am always looking for something more than what I have. Longing for what someone else has. Basically wishing my life away. I don't know that I have ever truly been content. I want to be, but the truth is I don't think I know how to be.

So that will be my goal for these next few weeks. To practice the art of contentment. I don't even know where to begin, but I think now is as good a time as any to start. Taking an honest look at my life, and thanking God for the things he has blessed me with, asking Him what He wants me to do at this time & in this season. Those are the things that I need to be focused on, not what I think I'm missing.

So please keep me in your prayers, as I begin to take on this task. I know it will not be easy, but I believe it will be truly life changing.

Alone

Have you ever been slapped in the face by reality? I mean, nothing has changed, no grand revelations or anything. You just wake up one day and it's like someone shoved a mirror right in front of your face. You see everything for what it really is. You've been fooling yourself, but not anymore. No matter how hard you try, you cannot ignore the reality that is staring straight back at you.

This morning I woke up and was slapped in the face with the harsh reality that I am alone. Shocking, I know. As I said, this is not brand new information. I've been alone for (gasp) eight years. So really, there is nothing new about this situation. But I try my best day to day not to think about it, not to dwell on it, not to allow myself to even go near those thoughts.

But then there are days like today. You wake up and look around you, and for some reason it is more apparent than it has been. And it's hit you...I'm alone. You feel that ache that's inside of you, the one you've been trying to ignore and pretend isn't present every moment of every day. Yep, that's one. It's more apparent now then it has been in as long as you can remember. That longing for someone to wake up next to, talk to, share your life with, hold your hand, kiss you goodnight...why am I so aware of it today? Why can't I just brush it aside like I do every other day? Why do I just wanna lay in bed & cry until my prince comes to rescue me?!

Boy do I wish I knew the answer to that! The truth is, I have not a clue. I don't know why some days are easier than others. I don't know why some days I can ignore that ticking time bomb in my head that tells me I'm all alone & not getting any younger. It doesn't make sense. I look around me & see couples everywhere. I know in reality that no relationship is perfect, and that marriage is not the answer, yet that doesn't even begin to dull the ache. It doesn't make it any easier to be the lone ranger in a world full of couples.

I want to get married. I want to have kids. I want that life! Is that so wrong? Is it really so wrong that I can't have it? It seems so easy for other people. I feel like everyone I know is literally giving birth or marrying their prince charming at this exact moment! How come they get the life that I want, that I've always wanted for as long as I can remember? It's just not fair. And don't give me that whole, "Life isn't fair!" speech. Because seriously, I don't wanna hear it! I know life isn't fair, but that doesn't make it hurt less. That doesn't make me not want to cuddle on the couch with someone or miss that butterfly feeling in my stomach that happens when you see him!!!

So where does this leave me? Sad, lonely, and longing for someone to share my life with. That's where. But that just seems so depressing. I mean, honestly, is that what my life has become. A sad realization that I'm alone and that's it. No hope for the future, not desire to keep searching, nothing? I guess today, there are times I wish I felt that way. I wish I could just say, "FORGET IT! I'm not looking anymore. I'm done!" But the truth is I'm not done. I still want that. I still hope and pray for that everyday. I want to find that person. And when I do, I know I'll realize then that it was worth the wait. And until then, I will continue to pray that God gives me the strength to press through the bad days, and enjoy all of the good ones along the way.

Death of a Dream

Have you ever wanted something so badly that it consumed you? I mean literally just consumed your life. Wasted moments, days, maybe even years creating something in your head that was maybe never really there to begin with.

Where does that desire come from? Why is it in my heart if it isn't right? If what I want is not what's best for me, what's right for me or what God has for me, why can't I let go of it? Or better yet, why is it there in the first place?

I honestly just don't understand. It makes no logical sense to me. I have allowed my desires to consume my mind, sometimes not even consciously. I feed into the thoughts in my head and the desires in my heart, creating imaginary situations and outcomes, but generally all ending the same-with me getting what it is that I want.

Is this normal? Do all girls do this? Do guys do this? And if so, how do you stop? When you come to the realization that what you desire is never going to happen, how do you let go of it? How do you stop dreaming about it and hoping for it? How do you stop thinking about it every spare moment of everyday?

I wish I knew the answer. I wish someone could tell me three easy steps to fix a broken heart from a broken dream. But I dont think there is an easy answer or a quick fix. I think that you have to just daily make a choice to give it to God, trusting that He has something far better than you can even imagine.

But what do I do in the meantime? My heart still aches and my mind still whirls with thoughts of what could have been. I want to trust Him, but it's hard. Nothing that I'm feeling right now lines up with that, but I know it needs to be done. And maybe I will have to force myself at first. Maybe for quite awhile, but I have to believe that the ache will be gone, the desire will fade away, and I'll be ready for the desires that He has placed in my heart, rather than holding onto something that was never mine to begin with. So, deep breath and here goes...

Trust

"Moments in life and experiences catch us off guard and yet in these dark times or dark hours of our soul are supposed to be the richest sounds of our melodies and we don't really understand that. We think that God's left us when actually we're composing our greatest symphony." Rita Springer

I read this quote today on Facebook, and it really struck a chord in me. I found myself continually going back to it and rereading it. Each time I would try to argue with its logic. It seems almost cruel that God would use tragedy and heartache in this way, but then I finally saw it from another perspective.

There are things that we go through, the most difficult times in life when we feel as though we're drowning and cannot bear to take one more breath. But God has not orchestrated these things. He does, however, allow them. But He has not allowed those things in our lives simply to torture us. At those times when tragedy does hit, it is then that we truly realize how much we need Him. The moments we are at our weakest is when He is strong. The devil will throw things at us that we do not think we can handle. But when we allow God to use those things, He can turn those situations all for our good. The greatest testimonies I have heard that have touched me the most have all been filled with heartache and pain. No two are the same, but each individual has had to persevere through situations that they did not understand. And it was in making that choice, the choice to trust God and His plan, no matter what they saw or the pain they felt, it was then that they began to shine. Their lives become a rainbow. You cannot get a rainbow unless there has been rain. After the storm hits and the dust has settled, we have to choose how we are going to react. Are we going to point the finger back at God in anger and blame, or are we going to raise our hands in surrender as an act of trust, knowing that He can make everything work out in our benefit.

This trust is a daily choice. It is not usually something that comes naturally or even necessarily easily. It is a choice that no matter the pain and no matter the circumstances, I believe there is a God who loves me and who will not give me more than I can bear. When you realize that you don't have to do it in your own strength, but rather that He is your strength, the load just seems so much lighter. But each day, you have to make that choice. Each morning when you wake up, saying, "Lord, I choose to trust you today. I know you have a plan for me. And I know that despite what I'm feeling and what's going on around me, You are in control. You have it all worked out. I trust in You."

It seems so simple, and yet, it can be one of the most difficult things. I am by nature a control freak and a worrier. And so this goes against everything I feel inside most of the time. Because to trust is to give up control. Because I can't control things if I'm trusting God to. Only one of us can, and frankly, He does a much better job of it than I do. Believe me, I've tried. The results are...well, you don't even want to know! Let's just say, He knows what He's doing. But despite my track record, everything inside of me still wars to be in control. And so making that daily choice to trust God, especially when things are not looking too good, can can be extremely difficult. In fact, some days it seems that it is impossible. But those are the days when I need to do it the most. Because when things are dark and I just want to try and fix them, that is when I can truly mess them up. If I would just learn to trust Him in everything, it wouldn't be such a problem. But it's all a growing process. No one is perfect. But it would certainly be nice to be.

So my challenge is to daily trust God with all things, the big and the small, the happy and the sad. No matter the circumstances around us, no matter how things look or feel, making that choice to praise Him anyway. To thank Him simply for another breath, another day here on Earth, and another chance to try again. To trust in Him plan for us instead of our own. To ask Him to be our strength each and every day.

Compare & Contrast

Compare & contrast. I can't even remember how many times throughout my many years of school I was asked to do that. Papers, tests and homework assignments almost always included this task. And I became pretty good at seeing how two things were alike and how they were different. And I always felt one was better than the other. Even though that may not have been the case, I always felt that there needed to be a definitive answer. I mean, how could there not be an answer? One is a winner and one is a loser, right? That makes sense. That makes things settled. That completes it.

All of the comparing and contrasting I did for so many years has really become a bad habit that I continue to use in my everyday life. Are there appropriate times for this to be used? Sure. But when it becomes a constant part of how you think, it can be an extremely dangerous thing. When you look at others to see how you measure up to them, one of you will always be the winner and one will always be the loser. At least, that's how it has been in my mind. And I've come to realize that rather than embracing who I am and what God has blessed me with, I've been comparing it to what others have been blessed with. And as a result, I've been coming up very short! I've been getting down on myself for not being as pretty as this one, or as skinny as that one, or as smart as this other one, or as fun as someone else. For some reason, they are all better than me. In my mind, when I compare myself with someone else, I always come out on the bottom.

As I walked around the track (yes, again!) with a friend tonight, she was talking about her life, things she wanted to do, places she wanted to go, and do you know what my first thought was? "Man, I wish I could be like that! Carefree and spontaneous, fun and adventurous. No wonder she has so many friends. I'm just too practical to even think that way. I can't do anything without planning. No wonder no one thinks I'm fun or carefree." And the more she talked, the more these thoughts went round and round in my head. Until I started to express them out loud. As I said these things out loud, I began to realize how much I have been comparing myself to other for pretty much my whole life. And how ridiculous it is. I was beating myself up for not being like someone else. In essence, I was beating myself up for being me! And when you say it like that, it just sounds stupid.

I believe that God created each and every person on this earth unique for a special purpose. So why does there have to be a winner? Why does someone always have to be better then someone else? Why can't we all just appreciate the differences in others instead of comparing ourselves and feeling like we don't measure up? And by we, I mean me of course. It all starts with me. I need to stop thinking that I'm not as good as other people. I need to start looking at myself and seeing what God sees. I want to look around me and see the differences in everyone, but not feel the need to answer the question of who is better. Just simply to thank God for the uniqueness in all of us. I think that's where it starts. Thank Him for making me who I am, despite what I like and don't like. There is a purpose to everyone and everything about them, even me. And thankfully I am beginning to see that now.

Another New Beginning of Sorts

I went for a walk tonight. (gasp) I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock... Better? Good. I just felt like I needed air, needed to breathe, needed....something. I don't really know what. But all I could think of was to go for a walk. So, through a series of unfortunate events, I ended up at the family park here on campus. As I walked round and round the track, I got to watch new moms pushing their babies in strollers and dads playing soccer with their kids. I watched as a little girl fell off her bike & skinned her knee, and then as her dad ran to her rescue as fast as he could. I watched all of this & thought, "This is what I want. I want to bring my kids to the park, push them on the swings and watch them ride their bikes."

I was then welcomed back to the reality of my life. These are things that I have wanted for as long as I can remember, but thus far, these things have all alluded me. I look around at all of the couples, all of the parents, and I have to admit, my heart began to ache. I want to be in love. I want to have a family of my own. And to be honest, I thought I would have that by now. I thought Prince Charming would have gotten here already! But lucky me, my prince took the long way.

It's in these moments that I begin to question my life, dissect it bit by bit to see where I went wrong, where I missed out, why things are the way that they are. And let me just tell you, this is the worst possible thing you can do. I am a master at the "What If" game. I could beat you any time and any day. I've thought of things that most people would not imagine in their lifetime. My mind is my worst enemy. My thoughts are what drives me to a place of sadness, of brokenness. I keep looking at other people and comparing my life with theirs. I don't look like they do. I don't have what they have. And all of a sudden, what was good enough a few moments ago is now worthless because someone else has something better. I have spent my whole life striving for something more, for something better, for something other than what I already have. And I realized that I never stop to just enjoy where I am. I never truly appreciate what is happening in the present. I'm either longing for the past or wishing for the future.

My revelation came when I realized that I cannot move forward until I become content with what I have now. Yes, there are things that I want in the future that I don't have right now. But I have to trust that God knows better than I do. He has a plan & a purpose for my life, and that includes all of these so-called bumps on the road. I may not like it & I may not understand it, but that does not change reality. I can sit around and be miserable & long for things that are not, or I can thank God for each and every moment that I have today.

Faith is about trust. Trusting in a what you can't see. It would be so easy if He would just give us a glimpse into the future. But then where would faith come in. I have faith in a God who loves me & who created me for a purpose. I trust that even when things are hard, He is still by my side. And I trust that He has a plan for me, that He know all of the desires of my heart, and if I continue to walk with Him, I will see those things come to pass. I honestly cannot wait for the future. I'm so excited to meet my husband, to become a mom someday. But until then, there are so many other things to do. My life can't be about sitting around and waiting for those things to happen. It's time to stop waiting and start living!

A New Beginning

Hello everyone!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas filled with family and friends. It always amazes me how quickly it comes and goes after so much anticipation. But a new year has begun, and it is literally a new beginning for me as well.

I have returned to Dallas after graduating CFNI just a few weeks ago. My plan was to move home and look for a job there, but two days before graduation, I got a call from the accounting department here at school offering me a job I had interviewed for nearly a month earlier. It all happened very quickly after that. Graduation came and went, my family headed back home as I tried to figure out what in the world was going on. I worked for four days, then they let me go home for Christmas! I was so excited to be able to see everyone and catch up a bit. But it was also bittersweet. I think everyone (including me at times) thought, or at least hoped, that I would be returning home upon graduation. But God had other plans. And while working in the accounting department is obviously not my dream job in ministry, I know it is only for a season. I believe this is a season for me to have some stability and do some growing up . A 9-5 will do that to you. Haha. Although I'll be working full time, I do plan on staying involved in worship, perhaps even looking for a part time worship pastor position somewhere.

While it is difficult to be so far from home, I know there is a plan in all of this. I believe and hold onto the promises that God has made to me. I may not understand the path right at this moment, but looking back on my life, nothing at the time has made too much sense. But it has all led me to where I am. This year is going to be one of change, of adjustment, and new things on the horizon. I'm not quite sure what they are yet, but He is. And I trust in that, even though it's a bit hard at the moment.

I'm sorry I did not get to see all of you while I was home. The time went so fast. But I do miss each and every one of you and pray for you each and everyday. Please keep in touch...email, facebook, texting - you can even call!!! haha. Now that I'm not in school I'll probably have more time to update, so please check back often. :-) Love you all!

Cabin Fever

Hi everyone!

I'm writing after being sick for the last five days, and suffering from a bit of cabin fever. So please forgive me if I ramble at times. Not that I don't usually do that anyway. haha. But I'm feeling much better today and ready to get back to school tomorrow. Really ready to be anywhere but in my apartment. I've been cooped up way to long. So, what have I been up to the last several weeks? Well, I'm glad you asked!

I've been busy as usual. School has been going very well. We're about to start recording our CD for this semester, so that will be very exciting! It also means things are about to get even busier. AHH!! But I'm learning so much, it's great. I now know how to record and edit a video, run live sound (well, still learning a bit on that one) and now I'm learning how to record a CD. I think we go back to video for a bit at the end of the semester too. I'm feeling very techie right now. Haha.

Also, I am applying for my credentials through the school. If my application is approved, this means I will receive my minister's license when I graduate. This basically means I will be able to marry and bury people. A few other things as well, but those are the basics. There's a whole ceremony and everything, so I'll keep you posted on that. Please also continue to pray for me as I try to make my decision about the next step after graduation.

I just wanted to thank you all for the birthday wishes as well. I received so many birthday wishes it was overwhelming! I had two surprise parties, a birthday breakfast from my roomies, and just felt really loved & special on that day. I love you all and am grateful for each and everyone of you. I pray God's blessing over your lives each and every day!

~mel

It's Been a Month Already?!

Hi again everyone!

I have officially completed one month of school, and am now one month closer to graduation. What's scary is that as it looms ever closer, the inevitable question of, "what will you do after you graduate?" come up quite often. Haha. Guess I shouldn't be surprised. But just to let you all know, I will set the record straight right here and right now - I HAVE NO IDEA!!! lol. I wish that I was kidding but alas, I am not. I really don't know yet. And this last month has been so busy, it has left me little time to figure it out. But, I am in prayer about where God wants me, and as soon as I know, you'll know.

I can't believe how fast this month has flown by. Praise Band has been going really well. I am glad that I decided to be part of it for one last semester. It is a bit of a struggle, on top of everything else that I have going on, but it is all worth it. We have some awesome new team members (though, I still miss the old ones too) and have been learning so much already. It's been a real time of growing & stretching for me in a lot of ways. But all worth it in the end, I know for sure.

As for school, I am in technical arts right now, and to be honest, it is kicking my butt! No joke. I have always been impressed with people that were great with computers and all that other "techie" stuff, and now I know why. It is hard! There is so much to learn, and so many little things to try and remember. Final Cut Pro was my first class, and we had a huge project to do. We had to shoot a video, then edit it down to 3-5 minutes. It was quite a challenge. But after many, many, many...many hours in the mac lab editing, I think it came out pretty well. Especially for being my first video project. :-) Once they are graded and we have a viewing of everyone's, I will put it up online. Our teacher asked that we wait until he says it's ok. I am now in Live Sound, and am learning a lot. Things are beginning to make sense, which is always a good thing. One more week of Live Sound, then Pro Tools - which is a recording program. Should be lots of fun. More projects are sure to be on their way.

The other thing on my plate is Leadership Team. It has been more work then I ever expected, but I am learning so much. We planned a coffee house this past Thursday night for all of the new students to get to know eachother, and it came out great! Everyone had such a good time that they want us to do one every month. (that is good and bad i suppose) I've learned a lot about myself, my own strengths and weaknesses, and a huge amount about working with others. There's always ups and downs, but I know everyone has something to give.

So, month one of tech arts is done. Whew. In the midst of meetings, practices, events and everything else, I know I haven't been in touch a whole lot, and I do apologize for that. My schedule is extremely busy, but please know that I do miss you all.

Week 1...done!

Hello there everyone!

As most of you know, I just started my sixth and final semester at CFNI. Ahh! Yep, i did say final. So, as of December, I will be done with school and needing a job. Not sure where or doing what yet, but I know God has it all worked out. So, He'll show me in His time where He wants me. Until then, I've got tons on my plate to keep me occupied.

This week was completely insane! Julie & I arrived on Thursday night to Dallas, and had to be up at 6 to lead worship the next morning for a new student retreat. We made a small attempt at unpacking, but then Julie had to go practice for a night of worship & I had to go to meetings. The next day we had a wedding to go to which was an hour an half away, so no unpacking then either. The wedding was beautiful, though. Congrats Whitney & Aaron.


So then came Sunday. We went to the store to get some supplies, then headed to Opening Rally. Afterwards I had a meeting/practice with the SOWTA (School of Worship & Technical Arts) leadership team. It went well, but I was exhausted!!! Went home to eat and unpack a bit (a very small bit), and then headed to bed. After all, I had to be up to sing in chapel the next morning.

The first day of school was mostly orientation, but since I was a part of the leadership team, it was a lot of running around and trying to help keep things running smoothly. I'm sure it's usually hectic, but the fact that we have 130 students and 100 of those are brand new students made it insane! God is growing the School of Worship faster than we could imagine...or keep up with. So the staff and leaders have our work cut out for us this semester. We spent the next two days doing auditions, then Wednesday night had a meeting to form the worship teams and small groups. Thursday we met with our small groups, which was awesome! I have an amazing group of people, and cannot wait to get to know them better over the coming semester. Thursday & Friday we also started classes, which is now tech arts for me. I'm not the most technological person in the world, but I'm excited to see how this semester goes.

Oh, and i almost forgot that in between all of that excitement was auditions for Praise Band (separate from School of Worship stuff...can be confusing, i know). I had already been on Praise band for the last year, but they require each year that you reaudition. And also, a certain roomate of mine (who is drummer) auditioned as well. We found out the results yesterday... and Julie & I both are on Praise Band!!! I am so proud of her. She's worked so hard over this last year and I cannot wait to see what God has in store for her.

So, that was my first week of school! LOL. Crazy, I know. But, it is now Saturday and I can attempt to unpack again. haha. I'll let you know how that goes. I love & miss you all very much. Please keep in touch.

Halfway There

I can't believe it's half way through the semester. A little more than half way actually. Time really does go so fast. And only one semester to go after this. Whew, I really can't believe I'm almost done here. December is coming faster than I'd like to think. But, I'm getting WAY ahead of myself. Haha. We'll cross that bridge when it gets a little closer.

Anyway...the last month has been CRAZY! School of Worship is incredible. I've been learning so much. But it's also been a lot of work. It's a heavy workload with extra projects thrown in as well. So my schedule has been ridiculous, which is why I haven't been able to update at all. Right now I'm in the middle of songwriting class, and we're working on our CD project for the semester. I'm producing one track, and am actually singing on another. I'll be going into the studio today to record a scratch track, and then over the next few weeks will be in an out of the studio while we lay down all of the other tracks. And, for the track I'm producing, I got the best drummer ever! :-) Julie's going to be playing drums, and I'm so excited. She's actually playing on three tracks, as there is a sever drummer shortage. So it will be fun to work together on this. I'm really looking forward to seeing how it turns out.

I was home for spring break, as some of you know since, well you saw me at home. haha. It was really good to see all of you. I'm sorry it wasn't longer, but the good news is I will be home for the summer! So there will be lots of catching up with everyone then. And I will actually be home this coming weekend and the third weekend of April, both times for a wedding. But there won't be much of a chance to visit, since I'll be in town less than 48 hours each time. :-( The bad news is I'm going broke because of so many weddings! The good news is I'm racking up the frequent flyer miles!!!

I'll keep you all posted on the project and how it's coming along. I'll be sure and bring it home in the summer so you can have a listen! :-)

Superbowl Sunday

Happy Superbowl Sunday!

I actually get to watch the game since Tanya now lives in alumni. And while I'm not really a football fan, it's fun to watch anyway. Julie & I are rooting for Pittsburgh (they're the closest to NJ!) and Tanya & Kim are rooting for Arizona. But I must say I am most excited for the one hour Office episode that is going to be on after the game! Haha. That's gonna be the highlight for me.

Also, I cannot fully enjoy the game since I have my first exam for the School of Worship tomorrow morning. We were supposed to have our test Friday, but due to the "ice storm" last week, it got pushed back a day. So I have an exam and paper due for worship theology that I'm working on while the girls are watching the game. (yes, I should be doing that right now but I needed a break) I was also supposed to lead worship in the House of Prayer on campus this last week. Each first semester student has to lead twice during the semester and be evaluated, but due to the unexpected day off, my first one got canceled. So, I will let you know when I'm scheduled to lead again. School of Worship is truly incredible and I am learning so much! I really feel privileged to be here right now.

In some not so good news, the flu made its way around my apartment these last few weeks. It started with me (surprise, surprise), but very quickly moved on to Julie, then Kim. Lauren managed to stay healthy until this past Friday when she started having symptoms. There are actually a lot of people on campus that have been hit with it, and apparently Dallas has been on the news because there's massive flu outbreaks all over. A few campuses around the area even closed for a few days because so many students were sick.

But I'm healthy now and getting ready for the recording that's coming up on the 13th. It's our annual recording, and I will again be a part of the choir for it. The best part is that this is the first recording that will be made up of students and the worship leaders at the school! I'm so excited to be part of this. It's going to be amazing!

God Bless! Love & miss you all!