Another New Beginning of Sorts

I went for a walk tonight. (gasp) I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock... Better? Good. I just felt like I needed air, needed to breathe, needed....something. I don't really know what. But all I could think of was to go for a walk. So, through a series of unfortunate events, I ended up at the family park here on campus. As I walked round and round the track, I got to watch new moms pushing their babies in strollers and dads playing soccer with their kids. I watched as a little girl fell off her bike & skinned her knee, and then as her dad ran to her rescue as fast as he could. I watched all of this & thought, "This is what I want. I want to bring my kids to the park, push them on the swings and watch them ride their bikes."

I was then welcomed back to the reality of my life. These are things that I have wanted for as long as I can remember, but thus far, these things have all alluded me. I look around at all of the couples, all of the parents, and I have to admit, my heart began to ache. I want to be in love. I want to have a family of my own. And to be honest, I thought I would have that by now. I thought Prince Charming would have gotten here already! But lucky me, my prince took the long way.

It's in these moments that I begin to question my life, dissect it bit by bit to see where I went wrong, where I missed out, why things are the way that they are. And let me just tell you, this is the worst possible thing you can do. I am a master at the "What If" game. I could beat you any time and any day. I've thought of things that most people would not imagine in their lifetime. My mind is my worst enemy. My thoughts are what drives me to a place of sadness, of brokenness. I keep looking at other people and comparing my life with theirs. I don't look like they do. I don't have what they have. And all of a sudden, what was good enough a few moments ago is now worthless because someone else has something better. I have spent my whole life striving for something more, for something better, for something other than what I already have. And I realized that I never stop to just enjoy where I am. I never truly appreciate what is happening in the present. I'm either longing for the past or wishing for the future.

My revelation came when I realized that I cannot move forward until I become content with what I have now. Yes, there are things that I want in the future that I don't have right now. But I have to trust that God knows better than I do. He has a plan & a purpose for my life, and that includes all of these so-called bumps on the road. I may not like it & I may not understand it, but that does not change reality. I can sit around and be miserable & long for things that are not, or I can thank God for each and every moment that I have today.

Faith is about trust. Trusting in a what you can't see. It would be so easy if He would just give us a glimpse into the future. But then where would faith come in. I have faith in a God who loves me & who created me for a purpose. I trust that even when things are hard, He is still by my side. And I trust that He has a plan for me, that He know all of the desires of my heart, and if I continue to walk with Him, I will see those things come to pass. I honestly cannot wait for the future. I'm so excited to meet my husband, to become a mom someday. But until then, there are so many other things to do. My life can't be about sitting around and waiting for those things to happen. It's time to stop waiting and start living!