Contentment

Another semester has officially come and gone. It's strange how when you're no longer in school, but you work at one, your time is still measured by semesters, although the end of a semester has come to mean different things. It used to mean a month off, going home, spending time with my family & friends that I missed for months at a time. But now it means that everyone else gets to do those things, and what is usually a busy and crowded campus is now virtually a ghost town. It's eerily quiet already, and school just ended yesterday. And the worst part is that your friends tend to come & go. Sometimes just for the break, but more often than not, for good.

I don't hate being alone, but I don't really enjoy it either. I guess it really depends on the day and sometimes even the moment. Being alone means spending time with yourself, and to be honest, I'm not always the best company. I realize every time that I'm alone for long periods of time, I actually relish the distraction of other people because it means I don't have to take a good look at myself and deal with my own life and my own thoughts. I am often, unfortunately far far too often, unhappy with my circumstances and with myself. But as long as I keep myself busy and don't allow myself to think about it, then it just gets pushed aside and I don't have to deal with it. But on days like these, the reality of my life and how frustrated I am at my circumstances is undeniable.

Please don't get me wrong, I know that I am truly blessed. God has always provided for me, and I am truly thankful that I have never really wanted for anything. I have an amazing family and great friends. But if I were to answer the question, "Are you happy?" honestly, I'd have to say no. But then again, I can't really remember a time when I was. I think I am always looking for something more than what I have. Longing for what someone else has. Basically wishing my life away. I don't know that I have ever truly been content. I want to be, but the truth is I don't think I know how to be.

So that will be my goal for these next few weeks. To practice the art of contentment. I don't even know where to begin, but I think now is as good a time as any to start. Taking an honest look at my life, and thanking God for the things he has blessed me with, asking Him what He wants me to do at this time & in this season. Those are the things that I need to be focused on, not what I think I'm missing.

So please keep me in your prayers, as I begin to take on this task. I know it will not be easy, but I believe it will be truly life changing.