The Challenge

Time goes by so fast! I can't believe sometimes how quickly it really goes. When you're looking forward to something, it seems to takes forever, but then it's over before you know it & you're back to reality. I was thinking this morning about when I first came to CFNI - now 4 1/2 years ago! Can you believe it? I can't. I can remember it like it was yesterday. Leaving everyone and everything behind to come to this crazy place! Haha. It seems surreal that it's been that long.

At times I feel like I haven't changed that much, and maybe I haven't on the outside, but on the inside, things are quite different than they were. Especially recently. I've been making a conscious effort to change those things about me that I don't like. I've been trying not to stress as much (as I normally tend to stress about everything!) and relax a bit. I've been learning to set boundaries, and to be honest and let people know what's really on my mind.

I came to the realization lately that I've spent so much of my life trying to be what everyone thinks I should, do the things other people thought I should do, trying to be polite & proper, that I lost myself somewhere. This need to always please others, to always have approval, I wish I knew where it came from. Why do I care so much what other people think? Why do I get so uptight trying to say and do the right things all of the time? Is there a time and a place to be polite & proper, of course! But not every minute of every day!

It's ok to be who you are! That's something I have to tell myself everyday. God made me as I am for a reason. There is a plan and a purpose for me - just me! And if I spend my life trying to live up to everyone else's plan and purpose for me, then I'll never fulfill what it is God wants me to do. I look at people who are just themselves all the time, no pretenses, nothing fake, just real, and I envy that. Though at times they may step over the line (I still believe there is a time and place for everything. Sometimes you need to be polite), people forgive them because that's who they are.

I read somewhere recently that people who have low self-esteem actually have a pride issue because they are always thinking about themselves and thinking that everyone is thinking about them as well, even though it's in a negative way. And that got me thinking - am I prideful? Do I think that everyone is always thinking about how bad I look, or how I said the wrong thing, or didn't say the right thing, or didn't do this or that? Yes. And the truth is that by thinking that, I'm making myself more important than I really am. Are there times that people are talking about me - I'm sure. But not most of the time. A majority of the time, people are worried about themselves.

So the challange for me comes in here - can I stop worrying about other people & just worry about what I say and what God says? Well, people's expectations. I just want to live up to God's expectations, because those are truly the only ones that matter. I know it's going to continue to be a challenge, but I've definitely grown over time, and I believe I will continue to do so.

Choices

Everything in life is a choice. While this may not be a new revelation for some, it is for me. Maybe not subconsciously, but I'm really just allowing myself to realize this fact. There are many things in life that happen, circumstances that come our way, and it may not look like we have a choice...but we do. Our choice is in whether or not we allow those circumstances to effect us. Are we going to choose to let the heavy workload stress us out (I know I usually do), or are we going to say, "I'll do what I can do and tackle the rest tomorrow."? Are we going to choose to let the pain we feel dictate what we do that day, or are we going to say, "In spite of the pain, I'm going to get up and get going."?

I've had a realization recently that my physical ailments are due in large part to the stress I have allowed in my life. Thing have been chaotic and down right crazy at work, and I've allowed that to literally overtake my life. And as a result, I am suffering. Not sleeping, not happy, constant headaches, all of these things I believe are a result of allowing this craziness to effect me so greatly. So I decided that despite circumstances around me, I am going to do my best to not let them dictate how I should feel. Are things still crazy at work? Yep. Are people still going to bug me? Yep. Do I still wanna scream sometimes because there's too much to do? Yep. But guess what? There's never going to be a day when everything is perfect, when you feel perfect. So the goal is to press on through and be thankful for that day anyway.

Romans 5:1-5 - This tells me that every trial, every hard time, every stressful situation is making me stronger. It's building something in me that was not there before. But that's only if I allow it to. I have to allow a situation to teach me patience, otherwise it's just another frustrating thing that stresses me out. And if I don't learn, another situation will come along that tests my patience again. So maybe I should just learn my lesson already! I can have peace in the midst of a storm, because God is my peace. I just need to hold on to him.

So I am choosing to today, whatever comes my way, I will not become stressed out! No matter if I'm overwhelmed or feel that I have more than I can take on myself, I will trust and know that God is there with me. And I will choose today, despite the pain I feel, that these migraines will not rule my life. I will go to work and have a normal day. I have faith that God is going to heal me, and I believe he has already begun doing so. AMEN! :-)

Inspiration

What is your inspiration? Is there something that you want to accomplish in our life that until now has seemed out of reach? Where do you find the inspiration to keep reaching for it? It's an interesting thought really. I think we all need something that pushes us towards that ultimate goal, whether it seems reachable or not.

Sitting at the piano yesterday, struggling to play things that probably any third grader could play (no offense, third graders), I got frustrated. I thought, what's the point. I'm nearly thirty years old and still haven't come close to mastering this. I've started and stopped lessons so many times, and it shows. But as I started to think about it, I realized that I could keep going with the same pattern, or I could push myself to keep practicing, keep playing, keep learning. And then eventually I'll be better than a third grader, then a fourth grader...you get the idea. But if I stop playing and start up again later, I'll just be an even older third grader! And who wants that?!

But that whole situation made me realize something very important - I want my life to matter. I want to have purpose and I want to feel like I make difference. On the days where I am lonely or upset or just feeling down, I don't feel like I matter. I don't feel like who I am or what I'm doing is really making a difference to anyone. I feel as though I'm just floating through life, trying to get through...and I'm not even really sure what I'm trying to get to. But I think that these are the times where I need inspiration. I need to truly accept that God made me for a purpose, even in the small things. I've let myself be so consumed with the details that it's made me feel like there's no real purpose in all of it. But if I stop to look at the bigger picture, everything that has happened up until this moment was to get me here. And all of the things I'm going through and doing right now are to get me to the next place. When you get somewhere and look back, it usually makes sense. But in the moment, it rarely does.

Inspiration is what keeps us going when things don't make sense. When we've tried 117 times before, inspiration says 118 will be it! You will do it this time! You will get it. Just get back up & try again. I don't want to be a quitter. I don't want to look back and think about the time I wasted. Instead I want to look back and say I made the most of every moment. To me that is a life that will make a difference.

A Quiet Summer

In looking back at my last few posts before I begin writing this one, I see that I tend to write for one of two reasons: 1) I am feeling restless and want to make a change or 2) I'm desperately unhappy about something.

I'd like to change that. Which, even as I'm typing it makes me realize that it applies #1 above. Haha. But that's ok, because this is too important to not share for a silly reason like that.

I had a realization yesterday that I have been putting myself in harms way simply because I am stressed. My migraines have returned worse than ever, my blood pressure is continuing to rise along with my weight, and I'm just generally "getting through." During a conversation last night with a friend, I said, "Well, hopefully when that happens, I won't work so much and I'll be a lot less stressed." Then I realized, I've been saying that for as long as I can remember about pretty much everything in my life. I'm never satisfied and never dealing with the right now, I'm always looking to what's ahead to make me happy, make me not so stressed, make me feel like I'm not missing out.

But as I was walking taking Daisy for a walk this morning, I realized that I am missing out on so much right now because I'm not focused here, I'm focused on the future. It made me think, ok, so I want to get married and have kids. Do I think that then I'll be happy? Are the going to be the source of my happiness? That's a lot of pressure. And what happens when they aren't perfect, as this is pretty much a proven inevitability since no one is? Then will I look forward to when they are grown and out of the house. How sad, that I've been wishing my life away.

Because the truth is that I have been doing this for years. I can consume myself with what if's (the past), and when will's (the future). What if I had said this, what if I had done that, what if this had been different? It's over analyzing the past, something that can't be changed. It's done & I need to learn from it and move on, not keep playing it in my mind over and over. And then there's the when will's. When will I meet the right guy, when will I get married, when will I have a family, when will I move closer to my family? It's natural and ok to have those questions, but it's not natural to fixate on them and not build a life with what God has given you right now. Frankly, it's selfish. It's saying to God that what you blessed me with right now is not good enough. I've never looked at it that way, but it really is. Let's say it's your birthday and someone hands you a gift. You open it and it's a beautiful necklace. Rather than putting it on and seeing how beautiful it looks and thanking the person, you look at them and say, "Thanks. This is ok, but I really wanted diamond earrings. So I'm just gonna keep this in the box and never wear it until you get me those earrings." What a slap in the face that would be. Not only are being ungrateful and ridiculously demanding, you are going to miss out on enjoying the beauty of what you have been given because it's not exactly what you wanted.

WOW!!! That is quite a revelation. If it's not to anyone else, it sure is to me. I just realized what an ungrateful brat I've been. It's crazy what God can reveal if you truly ask him. All of that from realizing that I've been allowing stress to run my life and I need to put a stop to it. No one is going to do it for me. And I've been given this summer to do it. I thought the quiet would drive me nuts, but it's been a great time to be reflective and figure some things out. Now that I've had the realization, it's time to act. Looks like this quiet summer has been a good thing after all. :-)

Motivation

How do you become motivated? How do you keep yourself motivated? I think for some people, they are just born with a natural drive inside of them. A drive to always be pushing forward, looking for the next thing, moving up in the world. They have drive to not become complacent with what they have or where they are. For others, that drive doesn't come as easily. They fall with ease into the routine of daily life, and never really have the urge to push beyond that.

I always thought that I was a driven person. I pushed myself to do well in school. I always did my best and applied everything I had to any task I was given, whether in the classroom or on the job. But lately I've realized that I've lost most of that. I'm not really sure how or when it happened, but it has. The monotony of everyday life has just become what I am used to. Now don't get me wrong, I am by no means content with the way that things are now (see previous posts if you have NO idea what I'm talking about). I want so many different things in my life that I don't have right now. But if I'm completely honest with myself, I have become extremely lazy. I lack any motivation to begin to make the changes that I want in my life.

Now it's true that there are things that I do not have the power to change right at this moment. Those things I have to give over to God & believe that they will come in His time. But there are without a doubt a number of things that I could be working towards right now, and I'm just not. There's not particular reason that I can think of, other than it's hard & I don't feel like it. It's kind of strange to finally just admit it. I have been so incredibly lazy! I just don't want to do the work. The truth is that I want things to be different but I don't really want to have to contribute. I just want a quick fix, and easy answer. I don't want to have to work for it.

So now that I've admitted it, I guess the question is what am I going to do about it. If I continue on the path that I am on, I know things will not get any better. My battles will just get more & more difficult & I will eventually have to pick myself up & fight! Or I guess I could just go ahead and get started with that now. I think I'm waiting for things to get easy. And you know what, that's never gonna happen! It's never going to be easy to get up & make the changes that I want in my life. So if it's never going to be easy, then what the heck am I waiting for?! I guess I just answered my own question. God, please give me the desire to make the changes in my life that I know I need to make. Please push me when I don't want to or feel like I can't go anymore!!!

Contentment

Another semester has officially come and gone. It's strange how when you're no longer in school, but you work at one, your time is still measured by semesters, although the end of a semester has come to mean different things. It used to mean a month off, going home, spending time with my family & friends that I missed for months at a time. But now it means that everyone else gets to do those things, and what is usually a busy and crowded campus is now virtually a ghost town. It's eerily quiet already, and school just ended yesterday. And the worst part is that your friends tend to come & go. Sometimes just for the break, but more often than not, for good.

I don't hate being alone, but I don't really enjoy it either. I guess it really depends on the day and sometimes even the moment. Being alone means spending time with yourself, and to be honest, I'm not always the best company. I realize every time that I'm alone for long periods of time, I actually relish the distraction of other people because it means I don't have to take a good look at myself and deal with my own life and my own thoughts. I am often, unfortunately far far too often, unhappy with my circumstances and with myself. But as long as I keep myself busy and don't allow myself to think about it, then it just gets pushed aside and I don't have to deal with it. But on days like these, the reality of my life and how frustrated I am at my circumstances is undeniable.

Please don't get me wrong, I know that I am truly blessed. God has always provided for me, and I am truly thankful that I have never really wanted for anything. I have an amazing family and great friends. But if I were to answer the question, "Are you happy?" honestly, I'd have to say no. But then again, I can't really remember a time when I was. I think I am always looking for something more than what I have. Longing for what someone else has. Basically wishing my life away. I don't know that I have ever truly been content. I want to be, but the truth is I don't think I know how to be.

So that will be my goal for these next few weeks. To practice the art of contentment. I don't even know where to begin, but I think now is as good a time as any to start. Taking an honest look at my life, and thanking God for the things he has blessed me with, asking Him what He wants me to do at this time & in this season. Those are the things that I need to be focused on, not what I think I'm missing.

So please keep me in your prayers, as I begin to take on this task. I know it will not be easy, but I believe it will be truly life changing.

Alone

Have you ever been slapped in the face by reality? I mean, nothing has changed, no grand revelations or anything. You just wake up one day and it's like someone shoved a mirror right in front of your face. You see everything for what it really is. You've been fooling yourself, but not anymore. No matter how hard you try, you cannot ignore the reality that is staring straight back at you.

This morning I woke up and was slapped in the face with the harsh reality that I am alone. Shocking, I know. As I said, this is not brand new information. I've been alone for (gasp) eight years. So really, there is nothing new about this situation. But I try my best day to day not to think about it, not to dwell on it, not to allow myself to even go near those thoughts.

But then there are days like today. You wake up and look around you, and for some reason it is more apparent than it has been. And it's hit you...I'm alone. You feel that ache that's inside of you, the one you've been trying to ignore and pretend isn't present every moment of every day. Yep, that's one. It's more apparent now then it has been in as long as you can remember. That longing for someone to wake up next to, talk to, share your life with, hold your hand, kiss you goodnight...why am I so aware of it today? Why can't I just brush it aside like I do every other day? Why do I just wanna lay in bed & cry until my prince comes to rescue me?!

Boy do I wish I knew the answer to that! The truth is, I have not a clue. I don't know why some days are easier than others. I don't know why some days I can ignore that ticking time bomb in my head that tells me I'm all alone & not getting any younger. It doesn't make sense. I look around me & see couples everywhere. I know in reality that no relationship is perfect, and that marriage is not the answer, yet that doesn't even begin to dull the ache. It doesn't make it any easier to be the lone ranger in a world full of couples.

I want to get married. I want to have kids. I want that life! Is that so wrong? Is it really so wrong that I can't have it? It seems so easy for other people. I feel like everyone I know is literally giving birth or marrying their prince charming at this exact moment! How come they get the life that I want, that I've always wanted for as long as I can remember? It's just not fair. And don't give me that whole, "Life isn't fair!" speech. Because seriously, I don't wanna hear it! I know life isn't fair, but that doesn't make it hurt less. That doesn't make me not want to cuddle on the couch with someone or miss that butterfly feeling in my stomach that happens when you see him!!!

So where does this leave me? Sad, lonely, and longing for someone to share my life with. That's where. But that just seems so depressing. I mean, honestly, is that what my life has become. A sad realization that I'm alone and that's it. No hope for the future, not desire to keep searching, nothing? I guess today, there are times I wish I felt that way. I wish I could just say, "FORGET IT! I'm not looking anymore. I'm done!" But the truth is I'm not done. I still want that. I still hope and pray for that everyday. I want to find that person. And when I do, I know I'll realize then that it was worth the wait. And until then, I will continue to pray that God gives me the strength to press through the bad days, and enjoy all of the good ones along the way.